r/Adulting • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
61% of all adults in the US are lonely. Something is horribly wrong with our society
[deleted]
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u/ReflexiveOW 13d ago
All the top comments are blaming completely different things and it's very sad that they are all correct.
A lack of walkable cities makes it difficult to plan a night out and makes it a stressful thing to even think about
Everyone is always working and when they aren't working, they're sleeping. Everyone is constantly exhausted.
Even if you do have free time, no one has the money to go out anymore. Groceries for 1 person for a week is like $100 now. If you go out to a bar, you're looking at spending at least that much and most people are living check to check.
The internet/dating apps are doing irreparable damage to society when it comes to people's ability and comfortability with face to face interaction. For some, it's over-inflating their sense of importance while for others it's completely excluding them from participation.
Our society needs huge change and not all of it is political. People have to want for it to change and then make it happen.
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u/protomanEXE1995 13d ago
We need community
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u/ValuableFee3572 13d ago
I’m not religious but I was watching a YouTube video the other day about a Mormon showing someone all around Salt Lake City. I thought “man this kid has an incredible sense of community that many people don’t”. Now I get why some people are religious
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u/Salty_Ghosts 13d ago
It’s been a long time since I’ve been to church, but I’ve been thinking lately that I’m missing out on the community that I had when I was younger. People on social media usually talk about the more extreme denominations (evangelical) but my church wasn’t like that.
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u/ThrowItAwayAlready89 12d ago
Church gets a bad rep. I’m more spiritual, but grew up in church and honestly I wouldn’t be the man I am today if it weren’t for some of the other male role models I interacted with in community gatherings
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u/Smeltanddealtit 12d ago
For people that aren’t Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc. the Universalist Unitarian church can be a good option for being part of a community.
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u/HotelMeatStick 12d ago edited 12d ago
We just started attending a UU church a couple months ago, and I love it! Definitely fills the need for likeminded fellowship without needing to fit into a strict religious creed.
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u/thomport 12d ago
How do the treat gay people
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u/HotelMeatStick 12d ago
They are wholly accepting. The one I’m attending in Raleigh, NC has big signs in their hallways that say they are welcoming of the LGBTQ+ community, they have a brochure printed out specifically for LGBTQ+ people about how the church supports them, and the reverend from Charlotte (a lesbian lady) came over to give the sermon for the day a few Sundays ago. I’m a dude married to a dude and they make us feel welcomed. I have met a lot of religious “refugees” - people who wouldn’t call themselves Christian anymore, but grew up in the church - and I think we are all pretty similar in our views/morality. Been great for meeting people.
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u/retrosenescent 12d ago
I'm not superstitious nor believe in anything supernatural. Do you think I could still enjoy it
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u/Smeltanddealtit 12d ago
Yes. There are a lot of self-proclaimed “recovering Catholics and Christians”. It’s more about everyone’s own journey. We have a great pastor and that will make or break your experience.
It’s just fills my soul to be around other humans that don’t have an agenda.
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u/lazyrepublik 12d ago
Yes! I actually just volunteer for an event for a medication group that used a space in the church. I was really surprised to see a wide variety of “meet ups” for a bunch of different kinds of groups.
I also ended up chatting some folks up in the kitchen and totally struck by how darling I all felt. I would totally go back myself just to help out, it had a very open and welcoming vibe.
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u/JoyfulExmo 12d ago
There are sooo many problems with the Mormon community though. The culture can be very toxic. Speaking from experience. I agree we need community but people are also sick and tired of the old ways of finding it (like religious systems built on using shame to control your thoughts and behavior and get your money).
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u/badseedify 12d ago
Organized religion definitely has developed tools that can lead to overall better well being. I don’t believe in god or anything supernatural, but a shared sense of community, collective effervescence (that feeling you get at live concerts, where everyone is singing together, and it feels bigger than yourself, a lot of ppl ascribe that feeling to god, I know I did lol), mindfulness (meditation/prayer), rituals (than to lead to feelings of stability and comfort) etc.
Probably unintentionally this is why it can be very effective at getting ppl in the door. There’s a structure for these “spiritual” (I think mental/social) needs that humans have that isn’t really available outside of organized religion. We should tho.
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u/retrosenescent 12d ago
Sucks you have to believe in stupid shit to find community
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u/unholyg0at 13d ago
sixseasonsandamovie
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u/SlantedFrame 12d ago edited 12d ago
The theme song lyrics and the slow and reflective guitar piece they play as background occasionally at the end of an episode make me sad as they remind me of when I used to have friends in 2019. Then they all just went away.
Now, we got telephones for eyes and antennas for ears and no one here in the distances where my eyes and ears are useful. Or however Pierce puts it
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u/Donut_Safe 12d ago
But really, how?
The pandemic proved to me that people are really that selfish when it came down to "community" or "were all in this together" and other feel-good communal nonsense that was ready to be tossed aside after two weeks. On top of that politicalize the virus as is.
There has to be a shift of values away from the narcissiscism and hyper-individualism if we're gonna get any semblance of community.
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u/shokkakahn 13d ago
its one of the reasons why we're looking to live somewhere completely different than the US, small town europe like. We've been to a lot of places in the US, and honestly the only community-focused areas are heavily evangelical, and that's a deal breaker, partly because it also comes with a certain politicking.
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12d ago
This, precisely. My grandfather always used to say, "Know your neighbors." No one knows their neighbors anymore, nor seems to want to
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u/Happy-Investigator- 13d ago
Dating apps and the micro-contact of talking to strangers on the internet in general as limited people’s time to devote to getting to know somebody. I’m almost convince the process is becoming more and more obsolete because all our interests and lives are mediated by images on apps and that largely becomes what someone judges you for more than anything else. I have no social media besides Reddit and you’d be amazed by how people react to it with the 🤨 face. Mind you I’m in my late late 20s yet this is how some people of the Internet era have been conditioned. It’s as if social interaction has taken on the same action as scrolling .
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u/suddenlyseeingme 12d ago
Zoomers will straight-up write you off as a person for not liking the same cartoons they do. I've seen it happen.
Everybody is sick. Nobody's having genuine interactions anymore.
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u/ironmagnesiumzinc 13d ago
Couldn't agree more. On top of your point about social media, I think there's so much more pressure on young people now to be attractive in an impossible way.
Before social media, you weren't constantly reminded how much more attractive other people are on dating apps and porn. Now, we constantly wish we could attain/match with people who will always be out of our league. Finding peace of mind in a society where we re constantly reminded of what we don't have.. it's really hard.
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u/stamper3332 13d ago
That is why I work hard to teach my children that their lovable-ness and acceptable-ness is total and complete- even with all their imperfections, real or imaginary.
You don’t have to be the shiniest, most athletic, most popular person in the room to be completely loved and accepted. You are loved even if you have frizzy hair and flabby upper arms and a weird special interest in detritivores.
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u/Axlos 12d ago
To add to your point, your average guy is also now competing against an increasing amount of men and male bodyweight influencers that are blatantly on gear and other steroids.
There's a goddamn meme subreddit just for pointing out how ridiculously many influencers there are on the juice.
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u/thatguy2366 12d ago
Not just the drinking but drinking and driving is bad right? UBER/Pace/DD are your options otherwise you're endangering yourself and others. Beer is $9.00 and cold in my fridge rent and bills are paid and I have tv, games, books and so on. The long and short of it is we're getting priced out of life and people are just choosing "fuck it I'm staying home."
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u/whoinvitedthesepeopl 12d ago
Work is absolutely exhausting everyone. Just about everyone I know has had their workload increased to extract more out of the company's employees. So even if they are only working 8 hours, everyone is just shagged at the end of the day.
Nobody has any cash to go out on a regular basis. Wages haven't gone up but rent, house payments, insurance, food, utilities and consumer goods all have. That burned what little spending money most people had.
Add to this, most of my female friends I might do things with are either also broke and exhausted from work, or are broke, exhausted from work AND are the sole adult taking care of kids, all of the domestic and adult tasks for their entire family while their husband checks out and watches TV, or plays video games.
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u/KirklandKid 12d ago
Ya I’m fortunate but I went out recently and 6 drinks and a slice of pizza was $75. It’s like if you are making min wage that’s most a day of work, and after you subtract rent it’s more like 2. Completely ridiculous and impossible for most.
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u/Time-Guava5256 13d ago edited 13d ago
I had a seizure and can’t drive until February. It’s been one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had to date.
In most American towns, if you don’t have a car, can’t drive, or a strong support system you’re SOL.
It’s greatly exacerbated my loneliness and disdain for our car centric society. I barely hang out with my friends anymore and it’s crushed my mental health.
I feel deeply for the 61% of us who are lonely. May they find their peace soon.
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 13d ago
Cant believe we live in a world like this where we have basically been manipulated to 'work' so many hours we forget to have a life.
Its truely clever, scary and yet sad.
Dont see the rich with these issues, they have all the friends and time on their hands if they feel blue.
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u/Classic-Progress-397 13d ago
So let's change it. Time to start reaching out, taking time for the people around us, etc.
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u/Narcoid 12d ago
11 hours of my day are spent busy with work. 7 are spent sleeping. 18/24 hours are spent doing things that can't be changed. The other 6 I have to worry about chores, errands, relaxation, etc. it's not as easy in practice as it as to say
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u/Afresian 12d ago
Imagine working a 12 hour shift with a commute, suddenly that 6 hours becomes 3, then you're really cooking
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 13d ago
I agree, I do.
I text my friends who are parents randomly at night, love you lots, thinking of you, meet up soon etc.
I dont ever want anyone to feel alone.
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u/YourCommentInASong 13d ago
The problem is that when you do, people get suspicious now. “What do they want from me?” And good luck getting anyone under 50 to pick up a phone call.
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u/Classic-Progress-397 12d ago
You can't let that stop you, just be genuine and tell them you are trying to be more connected to the people around you.
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u/Akuna_My_Tatas 12d ago edited 12d ago
At first, I thought this was an example of "toxic positivity," it often misses the point but if you're implying we should lower our standards of living to bide time, then I actually agree with that.
Higher comments mentioned constantly working and being exhausted. The problem isn't a missing desire to reach out, it's the lack of free time to do so. Even with being stretched this thin, people still live paycheck to paycheck.
We need to spend less and save more (both in money and time) but I'm worried companies will just up their prices and put us right back where we were every time that we try. The "social contract" we had with businesses here is completely destroyed. Meanwhile, the one we have with the government is on life support.
It feels like the only way to save society is to stop trying.
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u/whoinvitedthesepeopl 12d ago
Then there needs to be push back on the workload, and hours people are subjected to at work. Also to assure everyone has at least some amount of spending money instead of having all of it consumed by ever increasing basics.
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u/Grimvahl 12d ago
That's because the rich don't work. Their money solves all their problems so they have plenty of security and free time.
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u/Cryptizard 13d ago
I’m confused. The city is the only place you can live without a car. Suburbs and rural areas are 100x worse.
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u/retrosenescent 12d ago
This is not true in Denver. Everything is so spread out and poorly organized. You NEED a car. Our public transit sucks so much too. Very unwalkable as well
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u/TinyChaco 12d ago
Same for the majority of Austin as well.
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u/itsameeemaaariooo 12d ago
Houston reporting in here: maybe the least walkable city on the planet?
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u/DurantaPhant7 12d ago
I became disabled after a botched surgery in 2018. Once Covid hit I was pretty housebound. I was a full time yoga instructor before, extremely active. After Covid getting anyone from my life to connect seemed impossible. And it’s like everyone wants to, but they can’t. I have my own suspicion-we are all hopelessly painfully addicted to media, the internet. Shot just constantly gets put off because we feel like we are already engaged. I have my husband, but most of my friends have disappeared. Even ones I’ve had for decades and I’ve heard over and over that I’m not alone in that. The isolation is incredibly depressing. People are struggling to afford to eat, work follows us home on our phones and computers, the “American Dream” of a house and a couple kids has become a fantasy for so many. Idk, somethings gotta give.
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u/retrosenescent 12d ago
I've met so many people in the Gen Z/super young Millennial range who don't have cars and rely on other people to get around. They pretty much can't go anywhere unless they're willing to pay insane prices for an uber or have a friend drive them. Making friends is so crucial for survival tbh.
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u/sids99 12d ago
And it wasn't even designed that way for convenience or safety, our car centric cities are designed to make money for big oil, car, and all related industries.
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u/whoinvitedthesepeopl 12d ago
Realizing how car centric where I currently live is made me want to make sure my next move isn't like this. I'm planning to move to a larger city that has functional public transit and a house that has a bus station close by. So driving is an option, not a requirement.
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u/Nostalgia_6699 13d ago
Similar situation when I entered psychosis this year. Was having delusions and nobody to help me. Super scary time.
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u/Numerous_Vegetable_3 13d ago
It’s been one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had to date.
Moved to the city 2 yrs ago and left my car at parents home, I'm about to move back. I can't take it.
Nothing is pedestrian friendly. People drive 40+ on roads that should be 25mph. I got my foot run over because someone HAD to pull into McDonalds NOW and I have fucking anxiety even on the sidewalk.
Awful experience. I like the country where I can do whatever I want to.
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u/bansheeonthemoor42 13d ago
I'm an epileptic too, and I know how much it ruins your life when you can't drive. I had to change my entire life to be able to live with my invisible disability. I WFH, and my husband is always ready to jump in if anything goes wrong. Thankfully, I've been seizure since 2019 ( 🤞), but I had my license taken away earlier this year bc it took too long for my yearly paperwork to get to the DMV. I also feel lonely a lot, but the r/epilepsy community has a good discord where there is always stuff going on!
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u/haughtsaucecommittee 12d ago
I can’t have necessary medical procedures right now because I’m living in a place where I only have one friend. She drove me home after a surgery last year, but I don’t want to turn her into my medical taxi service. I;m looking forward to moving back to where I have a lot of friends.
You straight up cannot be released after surgery or other procedures requiring anesthesia unless it’s to a friend, family member, or other personally known, trusted individual.
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u/Presupposing-owl 12d ago
I’ve run into this too. I know just one person in the city I live in and she’s not always available. I had to cancel dental implant surgery because I had no one to accompany me. It’s quite a world we’ve engineered, isn’t it?
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u/Glittering-Proton 13d ago
It’s happening to nearly everyone I know, we are all painfully lonely. For me, the thing that is keeping me isolated is the horrific traffic, non-stop construction, and crowds that surrounds the metropolitan city I live in. To go 1 mile down the road takes 20-30 minutes between the hours of 7am-10am and 3pm-7pm, to go 10 miles to meet a friend for lunch or an outing is at least an hour each way. When you get to the destination there is no parking, the lines are horribly long, the overbearing crowds make it hard to enjoy the time outside. The city isn’t walkable, there’s no public transit options, and the climate is dangerously hot most of the year.
I feel trapped in my home. I miss my friends and family. I hate this.
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u/swampboy62 12d ago
Didn't use to be lonely.
Lost my wife, both parents, my two best friends, and my last uncle in just over two years.
To say I'm a different person now would be an understatement. It's something of a miracle that I'm still alive.
At least some of the things I enjoy doing can be done alone - hiking, biking, camping, etc. I try to make the most of those things.
Turn 61 in a month. Two years until early retirement.
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u/MrMimeWasAshsDad 13d ago
Even if you have a strong network of friends and family when tf do you get to see them? Everyone is busy af keeping the roof above their heads. Discord, gaming together and phone calls only go so far.
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u/Putin_inyoFace 13d ago
Controversial opinion. American cities are not set up to conveniently walk, ride a bike, or god forbid, take any sort of public transportation. If your friend lives 15 minutes down the road and you want to meet for a couple drinks, you need to worry about pacing yourself, paying for an Uber, or having a DD.
Hell. Your friend can live 5 minutes down the road and it’s just as inconvenient as if they were 30.
Our cities do not allow for us to connect like they do in a place such as central or Western Europe.
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u/JimBones31 13d ago
That is not a controversial opinion
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u/GuineaPigBikini 13d ago edited 13d ago
It's controversial for boomers, for a lot of them act like anything other than single family homes and cars is communism
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u/BrutonnGasterr 13d ago
When we first moved to the suburbs of Houston, my fiance didn’t have a car so we shared. He worked 40 minutes away and I kid you not, his parents told him to get a job close to our apartment and walk everywhere. In Houston. Like huh??
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u/BrickFlock 13d ago
A lot of car drivers hate pedestrians and bike riders. They get absurdly mad anytime the road isn't maximally convenient for their vehicle. If a bike lane is installed somewhere, they'll complain about it wasting tax payer money.
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u/pimpmyufo 13d ago
It is controversial enough to end up being angrily screenshooted for r/AmericaBad
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u/ForehandedGossamer 13d ago
What about Japan? Japan has great public transportation but suffers from a similar epidemic of loneliness. Our city layouts haven’t completely changed in the last 10-15 which is when loneliness has increased. Could our cities be set up better? Yes. Is that a silver bullet solution to this problem. No.
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u/retrosenescent 12d ago
They also jump off the roofs of buildings because of their lives of slavery to boss man.
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u/CleverLittleThief 12d ago
Japan does have a fairly high suicide rate, but it's not that much higher than America, and it's only the 84th most suicidal country. The Japanese suicide rate has also been trending downwards, while America's has been trending upwards.
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u/iamfuturetrunks 12d ago
Japan has really messed up work culture though. Where it's considered taboo to leave work after working your 8 hours or whatever. They expect you to stick around for a long time otherwise you look like a slacker/lazy or whatever. And even then, you're expected to go out and drink with the boss at some bar for a long time to before leaving to go home. At least from what iv seen and heard about multiple times.
I even have heard about guys who work SO far away from their family that if they were to get on a tram/train and travel home, by the time they got home they would have to turn around and travel back to work. So most of those men sleep in sleep pods near work. So I am guessing they only go home on weekends maybe?
So no, their great public transportation probably isn't the reason why there. But it definitely doesn't help here when you have to drive everywhere or you can't really walk to said places.
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u/squeegeeq 13d ago
Yup most of my friends live, in what should be about a 30 min drive but in reality is about a 2 hour drive. Sorry friends, ain't got that kinda travel time.
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u/ceasedemotions 13d ago
How does 30 minutes become 2 hours? Is it traffic? Really, really, horrid street design? I can't even imagine.
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u/shokkakahn 13d ago
In Los Angeles, if you live in downtown, and want to meetup with a friend in Santa Monica - that's only 15 miles, but unless you're travelling against traffic at some weird hour of the day - it'll be at least 45 minutes door to door (parking isn't easy in either location for the most part).
If you're trying to meetup at a convenient time for either party, usually after work, forget about it, both people dont even try because they know traffic is a tiresome battle. Mass transit train takes 45 minutes alone, that's without getting to and from the stations.Now extrapolate that to all the different sub-communities of Los Angeles, and people living within 15-20mi of each other hardly ever see each other because of traffic and poor transit solutions.
In Berlin those two people are hopping on a train to meet in the middle and are having drinks inside of 30 minutes.
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u/DullEntertainment587 13d ago
Is this really "the" problem for most people? While it's annoying, I think this point is out of place.
A lack of third places. An inability to afford third places. Social media creating personalized hugboxes making "normal people" seem unappealing and/or higher effort. And probably a bunch of other reasons.
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u/Bellegante 13d ago
Third places naturally form in places people can walk and congregate. Put everyone in metal boxes and then they have to plan every meeting. It's an additional barrier.
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u/Stuckinacrazyjob 13d ago
Getting off work late and being so cranky you don't even want to meet people
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u/Yogkog 13d ago edited 13d ago
The urban design of most American cities is intrinsically linked to the lack of third places though. Urban sprawl disincentivizes density, and density is needed to 1) build up real communities who live in the area instead of just commuters, and 2) provide more tax revenue from dense property and thriving businesses to give local government a chance to (hopefully) build up further community-building developments, ie rec centers, parks, events, attractions, etc.
That being said, there's definitely several other interlinked factors besides lack of third places that are at fault here, without clear solutions. The #1s being economic instability, social media and it's resulting nihilism/distrust/insecurity, and easy entertainment that's available without having to leave the house or talk to people.
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u/Such_Secretary_4229 13d ago
Is it just me or there is also too much “egocentrism” and “respect my personal space” which basically alienates organic communication between one another?
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u/Clean-Independent883 13d ago
THIS! Our culture is money, other countries still have culture
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u/lavenderultra 13d ago
Not controversial at all. We also need 3rd places.
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u/crazycatlady331 13d ago
Xennial here. When I was younger, my 3rd place was the mall. As soon as I got my license, this was the first place I drove to.
Now, malls have policies forbidding teens (under 18) to "loiter" there without a parent present.
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u/timrtabor123 13d ago
Controversial opinion.
I mean agree with broad-strokes of your post but I don't agree with this statement. Any forum thread or Reddit post that usually brings up the loneliness epidemic usually namedrops bad urban planning at least once in my experience.
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u/gregwardlongshanks 13d ago
I'm glad I moved to a city that has waaaaaay better public transit. I have health problems and I'm on my doctor's rec to stop driving for the foreseeable future. My wife still drives, so we can if we need to.
But just doing things for fun like meeting my brother downtown for beer is so much easier here with public transit widely and frequently available.
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u/Obvious-Warthog1565 13d ago
It’s why I always advocate for mixed use developments. When you have offices, retail, and housing within close proximity of one another, there’s always people there so it doesn’t feel like a ghost town and you’re not wasting away your life travelling in traffic. When places are convenient, there’s a lower mental barrier to get out the house.
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u/pancake-eater-420 13d ago
oo this might be controversial to American reddit users but the mentality of “nobody owes you anything” “cut them off” “go no contact” isn’t the healthiest. other cultures and countries really value family and selflessly doing things to help the community, and putting others first. at least in the USA, the expectation is “don’t rely on anyone” and put yourself first, which I think in some ways goes against human nature. we are meant to have communities. we are meant to live with extended family/community. we are not meant to move across the country several times in life for work. we are meant to spend time cooking, making art, going outside, talking to animals and plants. we are not meant to spend 40+ hours a week on “the grind.”
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u/ann260691 13d ago
I will say though, a healthy amount of relying on yourself and having boundaries is what I like about society here, but yes for some there’s no healthy amount, it’s all or nothing as with many other things.
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u/heretic27 12d ago
True as someone who was born in a collective type of society in Asia, one of the main things I love about American culture is the individualism, and people don’t stick their noses into every aspect of your life. There are downsides to this too as this post clearly indicates, but everything is better in moderation.
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u/SemperSimple 13d ago
Yeah, it's the Individualism. It's a real killer. The fast track to selfishness and loneliness. sometimes just plain stubbornness of doing things 'your way come hell or high water'
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u/Alcoraiden 13d ago
"but people aren't entitled to anything from you!"
Fuck off, you live in a society, you do owe people things. They owe you things. It's called cooperation.
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u/shammy_dammy 13d ago
Yes, they owe you a certain level of things. They don't, however, owe you an active relationship.
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u/Legndarystig 12d ago
What in the heck do you think friendship consists of? If you aren’t active in it and reciprocating you will end up alone.
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u/SwordfishFar421 12d ago
When the anti-individualists turn rapey I know it was never about the good of society or fighting against “loneliness”
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u/yes_this_is_satire 13d ago
This so much.
I have lived in a few places in Western Europe and experienced their much more social culture. How do they do it? They are both easier to get along with and also more open and tolerant of each other than we are.
Not all of the places I lived were extremely walkable or dense. Not all of the places I lived had a wealth of third places. There was a lot more going over to people’s houses than going out.
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u/zeynabhereee 13d ago
I definitely think the loneliness is to do more with this individualism culture instead of capitalism. Capitalism exists everywhere, albeit not as much as US, but it does exist. But the main difference is the sense of community and togetherness, which isn’t seen in the western world now.
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u/Delicious_Finding739 12d ago
Where do you think the culture of individualism comes from? Culture is downstream of economics. In a society where people move across the country multiple times in their lives to chase jobs, of course the people will be individualistic. Since there are no unified cultures besides what consumer capitalism provides.
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u/whoinvitedthesepeopl 12d ago
There is absolutely a difference between cutting off abusers and "don't rely on anyone".
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u/btran935 13d ago
I’d caution you to not suggest individuals forgo boundaries, as that can quite heavily enable abuse. A lot of abuse in non western countries isn’t reported due to cultural pressure so it’s hard to say if they’re more “lonely” than us. Also there are collectivist cultures in the world that suffer worse mental health than the US ie see Korea and Japan. So it’s not cut and dry as individualism.
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u/Free_Ad_9112 13d ago
Going "no contact" is when a person has shown themselves to be toxic over a period of time. It's not an excuse for refusing to meet with someone to begin with or get to know someone.
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u/Quiggling 13d ago
When we go no contact we do it for very serious reasons. Forcing people to remain in hostile and abusive family situations solves nothing.
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u/haseo8998 13d ago
Exactly no contact exist for abusive relationships there's no value in remaining in One.
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u/serabine 12d ago edited 12d ago
Yeah, if you're surrounded by terrible, hurtful people, you're still alone and lonely. Just a difference in kind.
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u/StrayLilCat 13d ago
It's because in American culture, it's all about the work grind and third spaces have been killed off. We have nowhere to socialize, no energy or free time, and multi-generational homes are frowned on here.
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u/BillsbroBaggins 12d ago
Well when societies only check for mental health is “can they still work?” Yea nothing will change until we simply cannot work and generate money for them. It’s honestly that simple.
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u/Appropriate_Doubt411 12d ago
Society basically says to young men, "you are worthless and I will treat you that way until you become valuable enough for the abuse to stop." Then...."welcome to the team. You've now earned the privilege of abusing those under you if you wish."
At least that's how it seems to me.
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u/Some_Twiggs 13d ago
When society is set up to encourage being selfish, promoting yourself, and doing what you want, when you want, it will naturally lead to loneliness, especially with us being naturally social creatures. Not to mention the obsession with money and with big companies paying less and less more people have to work double jobs or both parents work so there is way less time for family and friends/social activity
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u/ann260691 13d ago edited 13d ago
To everyone saying it’s capitalism and non-walkable cities- yes it is to a large degree, but it’s also mentality and culture. People are too individualistic and too worried about their image to open up enough to have genuine friendships, let alone relationships. The amount of garbage in people’s heads about the other gender is wild. Plus friendships is what a part of population here considers to be something you do till you get bf/gf/husband/wife, they are transitional/temporary. Oh and people have a sense of entitlement, as in I don’t think they understand that friendship and relationships are a two way street, a portion of the population looks at them as transactional or even worse something they are owed. Again, it’s definitely not universally true, but not uncommon either
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u/moieoeoeoist 12d ago
Agreed. I was just having this thought about how romantic relationships are often portrayed as a sort of power struggle - sexy, arm's length banter designed to continually vie for the emotional upper hand. Hollywood is giving us a really shitty blueprint for how to engage with lovers and partners, and people are going their whole lives cringing away from real connection because nobody has taught them how to be open
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u/Excellent_Impact6860 12d ago
This is actually a very good point. The romance in media is borderline sociopathic behavior ...
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u/zeynabhereee 13d ago
100% agreed. I’m a Pakistani Muslim and even though my country and culture have their fair share of issues - the main thing I do miss is the sense of community. I don’t see anything like this in the West, it’s everyone for themselves. The best way I can put this is that we have our little communities of diaspora, but there is no overall sense of community.
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u/Jfunkyfonk 12d ago
Lonely people make for better consumers. Just buy this and you'll feel a little better.
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u/anonthrowawayacc_ 12d ago
Could this be one of the reasons why the rates of mental illness and deaths of despair are getting worse and worse?
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u/drodenigma 13d ago
social Media ironically ruined it for everyone. Also our jobs, we work all day and not in the mood to socialize with people afterwards.
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u/bansheeonthemoor42 13d ago
I find that a lot of people are just too overwhelmed with their life to make "new" friends. I'm a natural extrovert so I'm always looking to make friends, but it seems like most people are just really bad at socializing (like they can't have an introduction conversation) or just don't want to go our and meet new people at all.
I think it is a combination of a lot of things. We are a more sedentary society now, and it's easier to sit at home and be entertained from sun up to sun down, get food delivered, and talk to friends on the phone or internet. We spent two years learning how to be lonely, and I think people have forgotten how to be around people without being extremely anxious. People think that it's other people that bring them stress when, in reality, it's just that we can take in so much more information now it feels like it's always bombarding you and it's stressful and overwhelming. 25 years ago, you didn't know how long it was going to take you to get to your friends house when you got on the road bc you didn't have real-time traffic updates. You just got on the road, and if you hit traffic, well, shit happens. Now you put in the address, see it going to take forever, and you already feel overwhelmed by the entire evening.
If you go out into the world, there are other people out there living life and looking for friends. It's just hard sometimes. I'm getting a little better everyday at forcing myself out to try to have fun and live in the moment.
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12d ago
When did it become such an obligation to go out and have fun? Like why is “fun” so hard now? Like everyone is forcing themselves to socialize because they know they should, like they’re eating their vegetables. I think we chase short-term comfort at the expense of longer-term rewards like new friends and experiences.
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u/AriaBellaPancake 12d ago
I mean, for me it's this constant overwhelming anxiety because I know I have very limited time before I'm back to work. Even the webpage I use to clock off from work tells me exactly how many hours I have until my next shift!
I don't even get to enjoy the solo stuff like gaming, reading, going on a walk all alone, etc without it hanging over my mind like a specter
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u/Fuz8ion 12d ago
Can't do introductions... Honestly I vibe way better when I have a friend or family member I can have like a slower introduction naturally over time through, or when I'm drunk.
Mental health issues :(
I've actually passed on lie 3 different women CLEARLY hitting on me, but I get such bad butterflies I almost vomit from nausea and vibrating extremities, I also somehow have 20+ body count... NOT JOKING BRO 💀
I will say forcing yourself to do so, when you have an upswing, because you always do in these wierd moods... You gotta take advantage of it and not just take you time.
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u/Basic_Incident4621 12d ago
Recently I was diagnosed as autistic. I am 64. The diagnosis explains so much, such as the reason that I’ve always felt bone-chilling loneliness.
I’ve just never fit in anywhere, especially with my family. The older I get, the worse it becomes.
More recently, my eyesight is getting worse and I have moved to a retirement community where the principal means of transportation is golf cart, and everyone lives close together and people watch out for each other.
My friends laugh at someone my age going into a retirement community but living here has done so much to assuage my loneliness and anxiety.
Society is so screwed up and if you’re just a little bit different (like me) loneliness will be pervasive.
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u/Clementinequeen95 13d ago
Capitalism. People are exhausted from work. It’s incredibly difficult to maintain a work life, social life and family life all simultaneously.
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 13d ago edited 12d ago
Yep, and yet age 35 with a masters and living in a shoe box. Not only are we tired as hell, people are still broke somehow. Its a constant churn to avoid people actually getting anywhere.
Im in the UK btw!
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u/IntrepidHermit 12d ago edited 12d ago
Same situation here in the UK. 2x fulltime income household, only just make ends meet. Rent a house only big enough for one person realistically. Rent is almost the same as a mortgage but banks wont loan good amounts anymore due to interest rates. Nobody will lower the price of houses for sale because they dont want to take a loss. Cost of everything is still increasing.
Meanwhile we feel like we are working for absolutly nothing.
Whats the point...
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u/Elsa_the_Archer 12d ago
I get up for work at 3:30am. I have an hour commute to work despite living only 20 miles from my job. By the time I get home from work it's already closing in on 4:00pm. In order to get adequate rest I have to be asleep by 7-8pm. Where am I supposed to have time to socialize? I have a hard enough time just figuring out when I'm supposed to do household chores. At this point, the only time I have to do anything is on my weekends, which is a Monday and Tuesday. And nobody is available to hangout at the beginning of the work week.
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u/Ok_Fox_1770 12d ago
Sober mid 30s riding solo for half a decade, I dunno. Lost what to do or where I’d go out on a Friday evening of yore. At some point it became work then home and repeat. Caught in a loop as years fly by it feels. Jumping into strangers and dating seems almost alien at this point. Gonna take effort to get back some of that memory. Part procrastination of change, part terrified, occasionally lonely.
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u/Youngworker160 13d ago
guys, i want you to please take a second and think about it, the answer to all these adulting problems stems from one cause. capitalism. you hate your job, job doesn't pay enough, you like your job but hate the constraints in the field b/c of bureaucracy, don't have time for your family, kids, friends, don't have time for your passions. it's all capitalism.
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u/aethelberga 13d ago
This is by design. Not dissatisfied enough to start a revolution, but just to the point where buying something you want but don't need gives you enough of a dopamine hit to get through the next day/week.
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u/jmorin17 13d ago
.... Come home stressed from being underpaid and exploited by your bosses and upper management, but can't say too much or anything at all out of fear of losing said job. So you take out anger and frustration on family and children, causing marital and family dysfunction.
I think that's also a common occurrence that doesn't get acknowledged as much.
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u/Elonmusketeera 13d ago
Dating online is the world we live in.
It’s now “weird” to approach people out and about. I’ve been in places with attractive people all at the bar and they are literally sitting swiping in bumble or Tinder. Sad.
The new norm is to swipe all day, then connect, then maybe they say something you don’t like and delete them and do it all again.
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u/humanessinmoderation 13d ago
Pedestrian-friendly infrastructure and local and interstate public transport would help a lot with that.
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u/l94xxx 12d ago
I was saying elsewhere that I thought it would be cool if cafes/bars/restaurants set a big table aside for a part of the day/evening where everyone is welcome to sit down together, no need to ask "Is it alright if I sit here?"
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u/DangerDan93 12d ago
Wow, I love the comments. Ya'll really put up good points on it. Something is DEFINITELY wrong with society these days. I like the folks who brought up working. Because of a variety of factors, we have to work so much just to scrape by, and when we're done, we're taking a shower, maybe eating something quick, and getting ready to do it all over again the next day. Work constantly has us unable to enjoy life, especially for those of us with children to care for. And because of that, and what I mentioned a second ago, there's no energy or time to even do things. Everything is just so dang expensive that nobody can really afford to go out to eat all that much, or go do other activities, because everything seems to cost money. I wonder if our generation will be the most withered and miserable generation just because of that alone. We're all getting old, and who knows how much longer this world will be around before humanity blows it up in wars.
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u/Quiggling 13d ago
Is that why they keep bothering me? I’m not lonely. I’m terrified of people. Especially right now in these “holidays” when people act completely insane. A good chunk of Americans are actively debating how to eliminate me from society, fucking of course I’ve withdrawn from that society.
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u/bhaktimatthew 13d ago edited 12d ago
The matrix will break soon
Then we will be free.
Then all this insanity (like why literally >60% of people are basically clinically depressed) will start making sense. It’s not complicated. We are owned in this country and treated like slaves by the elites. Nothing more. Almost everything that exists here does so for their benefit. This society and country are not designed with sustaining human life in mind.
People beginning to think, and piecing the obvious trail of bullshit together, will inevitably lead to change. It’s happening. The average person is looking around going, wtf?! Why is everything so inefficient and difficult? Because. That’s what our overlords want. To suppress us and suppress life. A happy, sustainable, functioning world with thriving people does NOT line up with their agenda. And they’ve made America their spawning ground, so we have it the worst in some ways.
Soon, enough will be enough and there will be change.
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u/sleepydamselfly 12d ago
I feel it, too. It's coming
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u/bhaktimatthew 12d ago
Yeah man. It just can’t go on for that much longer. Too many people are awake, and with the internet now nobody can keep secrets for very long. It’s all being exposed. Then the truth will stand there naked and plain: we are slaves.
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u/MyNameIsSkittles 13d ago
In reality its mostly the fact everyone is into instant gratification. Why shop in store when you can punch in your order online. Why grocery shop when you can order everything online.
People are becoming more hermit like because of the amenities and conveniences we have now.
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u/46thAndTABBY 12d ago
Absolutely, and also it's due to our ability to find friends from around the globe on the internet which means they often substitute looking for friends locally because...they already got friends. The problem is the majority of humans are social creatures that need human contact, and if all your friends are online and hours/days away you're inherently gonna have less human contact while doing so takes a lot of effort and money so it happens even less. Eventually the only people you feel like you have any genuine contact with are people like the USPS guy or the Uber lady who brings you food...and that's gonna be a lonely fucking place.
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u/RadDudesman 12d ago
Except I still shop in stores and I still can't find any friends. That has nothing to do with it.
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u/Sad-Star-231 13d ago
I suspect the fact that if you knock on someone's door, you might get shot, is part of the problem.
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u/the_terra_filius 12d ago
A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!
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u/puppy_fan 12d ago
Sometimes you spend your whole life trying to figure out why you don’t fit in. Some of us never figure it out.
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u/Meinmyownhead502 12d ago
Being single sucks, when all your friends are married and have kids
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u/OrangeVolvo 12d ago
Gen X so lonely no one even thought to include them in the survey.
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u/ninde_thanda 12d ago edited 12d ago
I am from India. Currently , in the US since 2020. Let me give my two paisas. So things I observed in general in American society, not just the current generation .
Individualistic : It's great to have complete freedom, without being bound by societal norms or expectations unlike India. But too much of anything isn't good. People tend to not have time for collective things. In India , you have a lot of shared experiences, some even if you don't like are expected , like going to family occasions (doesn't matter if you absolutely hate the relative ) . Your friends have a lot of say in what you do as collective .i.e group mentality. We do a lot of things in groups. Eg even if you are not into watching movies, since the majority of your friends do, you go with it. Now you may think , isn't that bad? But it's not, and actually in a way good , you have a lot of shared experiences in your age group making close friends organically (the next point explains this ). In the US , it's like, you don't like something, you cut off or don't remain friends if the interests even slightly differ. When I did my undergrad in India , 90% of the classes had the same group of students for the 4 years , thus just by being in proximity and shared experiences we formed good friends. It's same reason why US military , makes really good friends, not cause all were like minded , just shared experiences. In US colleges , everyone has the flexibility to choose different classes , which are at different times . So you meet a person one sem become friends then next sem , poof, no longer in the same class. You have to put an effort like invite as a group or join a club or frat or sports i.e some uniting factor since you are not thrust into one like I mentioned in India etc.
Formality and Privacy: I mean it's great being nice , formal and giving privacy to your friends. I totally get it. In India you always don't have that luxury of privacy. People are there in your life , no matter what. I lived in a room with two other roommates. We were friends, but we also had lot of disagreements. Think of college dorms. You may have fought, but have you ever felt lonely there ? This inadvertently helps you get contacts and relationships all organically. People grow to be friends. In the US , people are quick to be "friendly". But I still feel it takes a long long time to become close friends and sometimes " friendliness" and the friends don't really translate to very close friendship, cause you always keep that distance, even if you are a close friend , for privacy and formality that I always observed among friends here.
Constant changes : Again it's great, change jobs if you don't like , change home , change friends, change locations,chnage spouse, fly to different places . In India we don't have that luxury, though it's changing now. My dad's generation worked a single job his entire life , same house , same location, same friends. Now there were things he didn't like , but we had settled into it . Long and close friends, relatives etc . He has had a content retired life . In US, constant change doesn't allow to have close and meaningful friendships and relationships to form.
Family and Relationships: In India, Family is Family. And it's very important. Family includes extended family members including gradnparent, uncle , aunts , cousins , my parents uncle and so on. Again even if we don't like attending functions like marriage, or other functions of extended family members we have to go. This keeps family connections strong . In the US , I have seen people don't really , "have to go" especially if it's not a close relative's function and a vacation is a perfectly fine excuse for not attending a function. Well, this causes people not to be closer. Another thing I observed is , people "cutting off " their family connections for the slightest reasons. I am not speaking of extremely toxic things ,but sometimes what I see is very silly . The same goes for friendships.
everything others have mentioned about social media and Internet and inflation and so on .
This is by no means stating the culture or the way of life in India is better than US. This is just my observation and analysis. In fact, i actually like many thing about US, especially individulaism. But like they say "anything too much is bad"
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u/theend59 13d ago
What if you like being alone? I do.
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u/scorpionspalfrank 13d ago
Nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. But you probably wouldn't classify yourself as "lonely" either. Those are two different things - one can be lonely in a crowd of people.
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u/FL-Irish 13d ago
Doesn't shock me! I'm working on a theory that although tech seems to connect us more (and in some ways it DOES), it's also a little distancing. People don't get together for in person convos, instead they let texting do the work. And it isn't the same!
So I write articles like this one:
How To Make Friends As An Adult
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u/SpaceCowbyMax 12d ago edited 12d ago
I think it boils down to the grouping social media and outside groups. I'd say back in the day, people were more open to talking to people they didn't necessarily like, but still found common ground. It falls on people too, conversations seem more transactional than they used to, too instead of just enjoying the conversations.
I guarantee a conversation like this would never happen face to face. The phone and social media really screwed up communication skills. Dating is just terrible.
We can type away, but just saying hello in person is the only way to help this.
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u/underwater_jogger 12d ago
Also I think adults gave up friends to be better available parents and that has lasting repercussions for you social life. You forget the ebb and flow of friendship and become very one sided. Also politics is so damn divisive and people are giving up friendship for being of the opposite party. I get it, Jim Bob voted for So and so and that guy sucks. But does Jim Bob suck? Is he still the personable guy you liked from 8 years prior?
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u/Anonymous_exodus 12d ago
Just the thought of having close relationships, makes me cry often (I don't normally ever cry)
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u/ITendToFail 12d ago
I'm in that 61 percent. But at the same time I have little desire to fulfill my social need. I kind of got used to it. I only ever really talk to the occasional coworker. If I'm not at work it's rare I even see other people unless I force myself to go on a walk.
I'm genuinely too fatigued from life to attempt anything. From work to trying to keep up with self care while also having chronic pain. I don't have any energy left
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u/Significant-Hour4171 12d ago
Read or watch "Death of a Salesman." This is not a new phenomena in America.
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u/No-Requirement1675 12d ago
The us has almost no tertiary spaces where people can exist without spending money. It doesn’t help that population density is very low
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u/piss-shit-cum 12d ago edited 12d ago
We are no longer dependent on talking with people to get through life. No need to ask a stranger a question or ask for directions. If you do, then you'll be viewed suspiciously since everyone knows that you can search it up on your phone.
That, and all the other stuff people already mentioned.
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u/Affectionate-Call159 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm so angry at the place we now find ourselves in American society.
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u/Eswercaj 13d ago
I firmly believe that many of the US's woes right now are closely related to our lack of community. Social life outside of work-oriented activities is basically non-existent once you enter the work force and interacting over the internet is a very flimsy replacement.