r/facepalm 12d ago

Double standards 🇲​🇮​🇸​🇨​

[removed]

24.1k Upvotes

682 comments sorted by

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2.9k

u/Doomenor 12d ago

Calling my penis “fine” and “normal”? Well sign me up for this cascade of compliments.

738

u/LordSwright 12d ago

Even better if she doe it woth no context. Just overlunch one day "babe, your penis is normal, pass the salt, oh BTW Martha had the baby"

235

u/LJRich619 12d ago

I just hope the baby was made by a penis that was normal and fine.

32

u/DHarp74 12d ago

What about normal and coarse?

22

u/Knickholeass 12d ago

We talking coarse like 60 grit sandpaper?

12

u/Dotmatrix74 12d ago

Nah, genital warts kinda coarse.

8

u/Knickholeass 12d ago

Those are simply just speed bumps on the way to fun

3

u/WerewolfNo890 12d ago

Come on, they are speed bumps on the way to mild disappointment.

3

u/ComfortableWay2385 12d ago

They’re there for her pleasure you can feel every rib and bump

2

u/DHarp74 12d ago

Ah, so, a samd blaster.

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u/keeper_of_the_donkey 12d ago

What a wuss, I only use 36 grit

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47

u/JoeyZasaa 12d ago

Martha had the baby"

Martha? Do you live in the 1910s? Who is named Martha in 2023?

56

u/A_dimly_lit_ashtray 12d ago

MARTHAAAAAAA

35

u/I_cant_talk 12d ago

Why did you say that name?!?

56

u/ZoNeS_v2 12d ago

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!?!?!?!

3

u/toilet_paper666 12d ago

What's the matter what's the matter marthaaaa

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u/Madmoth 12d ago

Hey! That name made 2 of the biggest superheroes stop fighting and become BFFs!

7

u/Alonzzo2 12d ago

That scene was so dumb

10

u/apollyon_53 12d ago

My cousin Eunice just named her daughter Martha

10

u/mvanvrancken 12d ago

That checks out

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u/Kinky_Winky_no2 12d ago

Girl i work.with at a bar

7

u/ducktape8856 12d ago

I hope her penis is fine and normal, too.

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u/Ph455ki1 12d ago

Your penis is fine and normal!

5

u/Simple-Wrangler-9909 12d ago

her: your penis is normal and fine

me: phew

15

u/Chaotic_Fantazy 12d ago

8

u/agentchuck 12d ago

You would rather have a not-fine, abnormal penis...?

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u/TheFozyx 12d ago

You're doing your best champ!

3

u/guywithaniphone22 12d ago

I bet you’ve got a thick monster dong big guy

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3.0k

u/Themightymonarc 12d ago

Every time I tell my girlfriend her penis is normal she gets really mad

84

u/capt-yossarius 12d ago edited 11d ago

It's a "good size."

Edit: I was sad no one recognized this as an allusion to Mallrats.

I feel old now.

59

u/nwayve 12d ago

It's a "fun size."

34

u/Theelderginger 12d ago

It's a girlfriend penis honey, not a wife penis if that makes sense.

16

u/woodk2016 12d ago

This penis isn't wife material.

8

u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 10d ago

[deleted]

8

u/Minecraft_paly3r_cz 12d ago

How about a cock ring?

6

u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 10d ago

[deleted]

2

u/Imperius_Mortem200 12d ago

Well that just made my fucking day!

2

u/MatZitron 12d ago

It’s a “functional size”

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15

u/Potential-Sorbet8143 12d ago

Travel sized :D

11

u/mr_oof 12d ago

Folds away for easy storage! NEW from Ronco!

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23

u/Lazy_Magician 12d ago

Just tell her it's beautiful and that you love it.

199

u/MailOrderDog 12d ago

My girlfriend says there's nothing wrong with a small penis, but I still wish she didn't have one.

20

u/Sayakai 12d ago

You want her to have a big one instead?

24

u/Aksi_Gu 12d ago

Oh my, yes

11

u/irisheye37 12d ago

Unironically

11

u/neontiger07 12d ago

I'd kill for a big dick GF.

2

u/Dovelark 12d ago

I got you fam :3

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u/GloriaToo 12d ago

She told me size doesn't matter but I still think hers is too big.

9

u/Shirtbro 12d ago

What's her number?

4

u/fennazipam 12d ago

Or that it wasn't at least as big as yours.

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u/CLBlisse 12d ago

Because you're supposed to call it 'large and suckable'.

41

u/DuckDuckJeeper 12d ago

Well duh! Quit saying that while she’s transitioning…..

11

u/Mateorabi 12d ago

She knows damn well it’s bigger than yours.

10

u/Shirtbro 12d ago

Damn right, it's bigger than yours

4

u/Zaggnabit 12d ago

I could teach you…

2

u/delayedsunflower 12d ago

but I'd have to charge

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u/JimBeamerE91 12d ago

I told one of my best friends I loved their mustache! Now she won’t talk to me.

8

u/G8kpr 12d ago

you need to compare it to other men, you're forgetting that step

"Hon, your penis is fine, it's normal, I saw a dude in the gym today, his penis was much smaller than yours"

3

u/basko13 12d ago

My girlfriend says that small penis is not a problem. I disagree, I'd prefer she wouldn't have any.

3

u/dsdvbguutres 12d ago

Tell her bigger ones hurt

2

u/codercaleb 12d ago

Mariè!

4

u/poneil 12d ago

Damn gurl you got a fine penis, for sure

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1.3k

u/Even-Imagination6242 12d ago

My list if I were dating someone like Marie.

1) End the relationship and find someone far more friendly.

353

u/xgodlesssaintx 12d ago

Guys if you ever feel like you put way more into a relationship than your partner be it a man or a woman, re-evaluate if it’s worth the effort and have a talk with them or move on. It’s better to be alone than be with a manipulative toxic individual.

43

u/Ewok_Adventure 12d ago

Damn..this is me on every date I've ever been on, and conversations leading up to the date and after it. If I could find someone that puts in half the effort I do I would be giddy with joy

36

u/JamesGray 12d ago

There is another side to this: if you are putting a ton of effort into your first date and putting a lot into it in your head before you even know the person you're going on a date with you may be actively pushing potential partners away. There is an acceptable and normal amount of attention and communication expected from a stranger when first dating, and if you go well beyond that you not only can't expect them to meet you halfway but you may make them think you are obsessive or something.

4

u/LoganCaleSalad 12d ago

Yup & that's why the first few dates should be very low effort coffee dates. If you're feeling each other you can always extend it longer. No expectations, no expensive dinner, no pressure. If she has a problem with this arrangement then that says all you need to know about her.

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u/relaxedcapybara1 12d ago

Dating and relashionships are a bit different. As a guy when I'm dating I can't give all the women same attention I'd give to one if I was in relationship with her, I don't expect them to do the same.

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u/Polispio 12d ago

And don’t let them just tell you what you want to hear while they keep engaging in behavior that hurts you. Actions speak louder than words.

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u/Old_Baldi_Locks 12d ago

Exactly.

She starts making you feel like your love and attention are burdens? Time to go. Stop eating out of the garbage can of the dating world.

12

u/Ph455ki1 12d ago

Marie: why can't I find a good man and fall in love.. all men are pigs!!!!

16

u/GravyMcBiscuits 12d ago

If one treats their relationship like a competition that must be won/lost ... then they are in for a very bad time. Grow up.

A relationship should be treated as a coop game ... it's you and your partner vs the world.

4

u/characterfan123 12d ago

coup games? You ride up on a horse and tap each other on the head with a stick to show bravery in battle?

2

u/Flamekebab 12d ago

Instructions unclear, stormed the US capitol.

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u/Eksposivo23 12d ago

It wouldnt be that difficult either

3

u/SixScoop 12d ago

It’s a satirical acct

5

u/SentientSickness 12d ago

Feel this

Anyone over 18 is too old for this shit

If I wanted to play games ide boot up my PlayStation

2

u/dlegatt 12d ago

So much this. I never understand why people feel a relationship is about manipulating and controlling the other person.

2

u/mmmarkm 12d ago

My list if I were dating someone like Marie:

  1. Laugh and tell her “great tweet, babe” cause she’s doing a bit, parodying pickup artists and toxic redpill men giving dating advice
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177

u/SoylentGrunt 12d ago

I do these things to my boss.

109

u/CorgiMonsoon 12d ago

Why do you know what your boss’s penis looks like?

113

u/tayto175 12d ago

How do you think he got the job?

18

u/[deleted] 12d ago edited 10d ago

[deleted]

12

u/ThunderClap449 12d ago

That couch was originally black, no?

3

u/bagoink 12d ago

Normal wear and tear.

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u/SoylentGrunt 12d ago

Tell me you never worked for Harvey Weinstein without saying you never worked for Harvey Weinstein.

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u/Connect_Package_5918 12d ago

“You don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis.”

Unexpected Michael Scott moment.

3

u/CorgiMonsoon 12d ago

So it’s an iPod Shuffle?

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u/NulledOne 12d ago

Your boss is fine, and normally hard.

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u/Kracus 12d ago

My ex tried some of those. Specifically 2, 3 and 4. I put up with it for years until we broke up, she wanted to get back together after a few weeks and a year later we did get back together. This started happening again and I put up with it for a week and that was the end of a 7 year relationship.

If you're with someone else, don't treat them like this and if you're being treated like this, as much as you love that person my advice is to drop them and move on. It's not worth the trouble to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. If they loved you back, they wouldn't treat you like that.

21

u/Necessary-Cap-3982 12d ago

Yeah I just ended a relationship after dealing with 4,5, and 6 for a year and a half.

Was my first real relationship too. It’s a true shame that some people just stop trying sometimes.

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289

u/Quicker_Fixer Assumption is the mother of all fuckups 12d ago

If my penis grew a millimeter every time this one got reposted, I would be Ron Jeremy.

86

u/Prestigious-Yak-4620 12d ago

You mean incarcerated

63

u/Troyger 12d ago

Yes he said Ron Jeremey

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u/Cynykl 12d ago

He was just released yesterday.

16

u/Prestigious-Yak-4620 12d ago

Was gonna make a joke about release but, U weren’t kidding. Apparently he isn’t doing well health wise. Going home for 24hr medical care after no facility would take him. Of course that could all be a ruse.

3

u/Zaggnabit 12d ago

Well, he’s gotta be in his 70’s now. Not saying he’s old but he’s not young.

3

u/Level_Sugar348 12d ago

70 is old no matter how you slice it

2

u/Zauberer-IMDB 12d ago

Guy has been doing enough drugs to kill an elephant since the 1970s, I buy that his brain is all fucked up.

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u/tallginger89 12d ago

Either way. 2 inches at 80 mph can still do damage

3

u/Southern-Spring-7458 12d ago

Hammering a thumb tack in with a sledgehammer

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u/Dontevenwannacomment 12d ago

weirdest jojo stand by far

5

u/VorpalAbyss 12d ago

Jotaro using STAR PENIS! on Dark Blue Moon:

5

u/peace-0_0-frog 12d ago

do you mean...most bizarre?

9

u/suggested-name-138 12d ago

and always she's a serial shitposter and none the intended audience would have taken this seriously

12

u/aliterati 12d ago

Can't ever just be an idiot, if a woman says something stupid.

If it's there, she didn't actually say it.

If she said it, she didn't actually mean it. <-- You are here

If she meant it, you didn't understand the context.

If you understood the context, she is suffering from mental illness.

If she's not suffering from mental illness, silence.

9

u/suggested-name-138 12d ago

It's a parody of red pill bullshit and IMO that's totally fair game, sarcasm and being as meta as possible is fundamental to internet culture. Context matters and this post has none.

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u/tesmatsam 12d ago

Bait used to be believable

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u/james-the-bored 12d ago

This tweet is multiple years old btw

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u/nitzpon 12d ago

I think you got better at recognizing it.

25

u/DrStrangepants 12d ago

I'm not sure if I would count the original tweet as bait, it's from a comedy account doing a toxic-girl bit.

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u/tesmatsam 12d ago

You described a bait account

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u/lyvanna 12d ago

'It can't be bait, it's from a bait account!'

Wut

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u/relhotel 12d ago

You feel for the bait

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u/noncredibleRomeaboo 12d ago

Jokes on the orignal tweet, If my girls got a dog, I will also likely lavish more attention on the dog then her.

15

u/DrStrangepants 12d ago

The original tweet is from a joke account.

2

u/mythrilcrafter 12d ago

Doesn't matter, good doggos deserve to be spoilt by everyone.

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u/Musaks 12d ago

So both get the increased attention, that's great.

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u/Rishiiiiiiiii 12d ago

My gf broke up with me after I said her penis was normal. Wtf?? This is bad advice guys don't try it

4

u/Dovelark 12d ago

I'm a girl, and my husband told me the same thing. Just made me happy :D I would have preferred if he said it was big though.

3

u/Rishiiiiiiiii 12d ago

I'm sure you have a humongous penis :)

3

u/Dovelark 12d ago

🥰🥰🥰

22

u/Logco 12d ago

I always tell my GF that her penis is “normal”.

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u/Letitbe2020 12d ago

Why does the internet want men and women to hate eachother?

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u/WallScreamer 12d ago

It's bait.

9

u/Letitbe2020 12d ago

And what do they catch with this bait if men and women hate eachother?

What’s the goal? Clicks?

They don’t really care that we end up hating eachother as long as there are…CLICKS…?

11

u/WallScreamer 12d ago

They catch people that get outraged/offended so they and everyone that sees it as a joke can laugh at the people that take it seriously. It's still mean-spirited, but it's not genuine in its message.

That said, if you actually wind up hating the opposite gender because of troll posting, I'm not sure how to help you.

4

u/Letitbe2020 12d ago

I think I’m good—but that mob mentality and that red pill business seem to sweep up a bit too many folks who probably do need help.

3

u/-TheRed 12d ago

They don’t really care that we end up hating eachother as long as there are…CLICKS…?

This is just a joke account but objectively yes.

Clicks often mean money, and there is no line that won't be crossed eventually if it means profit. Remember that time in American history people ran a PR campaign to make sure the public kept believing Africans were inferior just to keep labour costs down.

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u/LemonBomb 12d ago

Drama. Nice people having good relationships isn’t entertaining or interesting. I keep my nice relationship off of social media.

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u/Akhi5672 12d ago

Also some of these people get paid to get attention

13

u/ClayXros 12d ago

Makes suppressing us alot easier if we're fighting each other.

6

u/asdeadasacrabseyes 12d ago

Lonely women collect cats.

The internet loves cats.

3

u/Letitbe2020 12d ago

So it’s cats Cats are in control of the internet and they want men and women to hate eachother

Okay I can live with that

3

u/Zaggnabit 12d ago

This makes a lot of sense. It’s also why dogs chase cats. Dogs want a pack.

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u/Poette-Iva 12d ago

This is absolutely a joke post reflecting those red pill "dating advice" bros.

Like, come on, reading comprehension.

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u/coconutclaus 12d ago

I usually assume that people know more than me when something looks like a joke but they don't treat it like one but this is just oblivious

6

u/BanginBentleys 12d ago

Totally.

I think the comprehension is fine. Do you mean reading between the lines? Lol

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u/-orangejoe 12d ago

Big r/redditmoment all over this thread

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u/sodalimefizz 12d ago

I am ejaculating all over this thread

3

u/-orangejoe 12d ago

you are hateful

2

u/Biomax315 12d ago

Yeah, I immediately recognized that these are all things that men commonly do to women in relationships (I’m guilty of some) which I assume was her point.

4

u/benjer3 12d ago

Nah, this is full Poe's Law territory

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u/Cynykl 12d ago

Common repost by a repost bot, vote accordingly.

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u/SnooRecipes9988 12d ago

Damn, my girl does all of these things.

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u/Every-Chemistry-2969 12d ago

This literally sounds like every alpha male redpill podcast dating advice I've ever heard...

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u/SEND-MARS-ROVER-PICS 12d ago

That's the point - the original tweet is from a joke account

3

u/EsotericTribble 12d ago

You listen to alpha male podcasts?

4

u/Every-Chemistry-2969 12d ago

Absolutely not, but they are everywhere now and sometimes a few slip in from time to time. When Andrew tate was in the news, I obviously had to look up what this turd was about, too.

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u/B00OBSMOLA 12d ago

Girl, your penis is nothing to be proud of

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u/Consistent-Matter-59 12d ago

She's one of the funnier trolls on twitter.

The incel rage in her replies is hilarious.

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u/graveybrains 12d ago

YOUR VAGINE IS STRUCTURALLY ADEQUATE AND SUFFICIENT FOR MY NEEDS

IGNORE ME!!!

3

u/smallbluetext 12d ago

Lmao this is a troll account

3

u/Amazing_Tangerine569 12d ago

And when you point out to them their wavy loose bacons, you know what happens? Theirs another double standard.

3

u/Aster_Etheral 12d ago

Brent is playing a much riskier game on this one fellas, the commenting on his girlfriends penis could either get him pegged, or induce a massive episode of gender dysphoria, either way, he’s fucked.

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u/Mobius24 12d ago

This only works on simps, anyone with a shred of self-respect isn't playing this game

6

u/Obtuse_Porcupine 12d ago

Pretty true. Anyone who respects themselves would tell this bitch to kick rocks and eat shit.

7

u/HighKiteSoaring 12d ago

Why don't we mix it up and tell her to kick shit and eat rocks

7

u/_Exordium 12d ago

Nah fam, go all the way.

Eat kicks and shit rocks.

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u/[deleted] 12d ago

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u/tzaeru 12d ago

I mean I hope everyone understand that Mariè is obviously being sarcastic?

Those are already flipped from common stereotypes of how men communicate.

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u/lawblawg 12d ago

Right but if she was being sarcastic to start then breaking face at the end is illogical. By taking this dude seriously (who may or may not have been responding sarcastically), she creates confusion about whether she herself was originally sarcastic or serious.

5

u/WallScreamer 12d ago

It's not sarcasm, it's just trolling. The goal of the post is to get a rise out of people.

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u/UnusualAdjective 12d ago

To me it doesn't seem like she is taking the dude seriously. It feels like she's still in the ironic character, and I think "You are hateful" (in response for basically being "called out" for "being hateful") is really funny :D

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u/Happy-Viper 12d ago

Those aren't typical male communication stereotypes, lmao. If you think they are, that honestly says a lot more about you than anyone else.

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u/Eternal-defecator 12d ago

You’re talking out your ass. I’m not saying men are perfect but those points are not flipped from men.

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u/Additional_Pop5777 12d ago

Yeah this seems like a very obvious emulation of those Alpha Male Tips #2729: How To Keep Your Pathetic Woman Humble posts and podcasts that are flooding the internet. I hate to be a "wElL iF tHe RoLlS wErE rEvErSeD" person but... the roles ARE reversed in this instance; it's just shocking and disgusting to everyone because it's coming from a woman.

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u/Happy-Viper 12d ago

It's shocking and disgusting because it's straight up emotional manipulation, not because it's coming from a woman.

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u/DeadStringScrolls 12d ago

TIL Brents girlfriend has a penis.

2

u/EnvironmentalSir2637 12d ago

Hey Brittany. You just have a so-so penis.

2

u/Slow_Calligrapher_98 12d ago

Things to do to be alone and narcissistic again

2

u/Select_Cantaloupe_62 12d ago

"Things to do if you want to get dumped but don't want to do the dumping"

2

u/DietDrBleach 12d ago

I’m pretty sure his GF would love hearing that her penis is fine.

2

u/External-Egg-8094 12d ago

You know growing up was realizing my parents were playing narcissistic games. It took me awhile to realize that there are people so unhappy, they try and manipulate everything. It sounds exhausting. I’m just trying to get through the day, while you’re putting effort into spinning a narrative. Relax

2

u/veringer 12d ago

Fyi: this is what a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath looks like.

2

u/That_Confidence83 12d ago

Ah yes, my ex-wife performed all these tricks while she was cheating on me.

2

u/Snoo-36596 12d ago

Why do relationships nowadays seem like an exercise in mental manipulation and emotional gymnastics. I thought people entered into relations because they like the other person and like to hang out with them. Why should you need to do any of this to anyone let alone a person that you purport to care for? Why should you need to keep them humble? Shouldn't you be able to take them as they are? Why does it seem like there is always some gender war that needs to have a clear and definite winner. Can't y'all just be happy in a relationship, cherishing each other and enriching each other's lives. I don't get what's happened in the last few years but I really hate it and I hope we go back.

2

u/Seriksy 12d ago

At least we can all take comfort in knowing that Marié and people like her will never know a good relationship

2

u/wychimp 12d ago

She looks like a tween Grinch

2

u/Extreme-General1323 12d ago

I think this strategy will work great on Marie's third husband.

2

u/[deleted] 12d ago

Women ☕️

2

u/y0uveseenthebutcher 12d ago

got a lotta nerve saying all that looking like a 1682 english peasant wife

2

u/Mec26 12d ago

Misunderstood instructions- spent all morning comparing BF to random other people, BF got tired of hearing how much better he is than passerby. Said it was awkward to do in hearing range of the strangers.

He did like that I gave the dog a bath and called his penis “fiiiiiine” tho. 5/7 advice.

/jk no BF

2

u/Honey-and-Venom 12d ago

Don't be a piece of shit, it's so much easier

2

u/LordPaxMagnus 12d ago

What a dumbass slu*

2

u/TheWierdGuy06 12d ago

The dog part is a-okay though, dogs deserve the attention!

3

u/Jvlockhart 12d ago edited 12d ago

Girlfriend: what's for dinner?

Me: remembers the one word answer advice none

Now, I'm eating burger on a bench somewhere in the park. Good advice

2

u/Level_Can58 12d ago

So you DID get something to eat in the end

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u/MikeAwesomesMullet 12d ago

Doesn’t really work like that though.

If I told my gf her penis was “fine” she’d just be confused.

We have no dog.

If I told her she was pretty but some guy on the street was prettier, again, confusion.

Think it through.

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u/T3knikal95 12d ago

It's funny how some people online are so arrogant about being horrible people lol

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